(ooh, getting back in the habit for writing in the proper MHwB style . . . I'll steal this person's first few lines and see if that gets me going . . . is that illegal?)
"I hadn't intended on taking a break from blogging. The past few months have been full of excitement and challenges it hasn't left much time for my blog. But I know my faithful readers have missed me and I want to apologize. Here- I will try to catch you up."
(Thank you copy and paste)
A year ago, I found out my boss would be retiring and the funding for our program was shifting. This brought about a major change for me. In January, I found myself promoted to the supervisor position and for the last ten months I have been running our statewide program. I didn't necessarily want to take this new job, but at the time it was the best option all the way around.
I know it may not sound like a major career shift, but moving from educator to administrator is a crazy mindfuck. OOOPSIE! I mean "it can really through you for a loop." (Please refer to second post about rules of MHwB) With such a big change coming up, we decided it would be best to but the adoption process on hold for a bit. As I think I've mentioned before, a great thing about adopting is- even if you are 7 months in, you can still press pause and make sure everything is ready. No pesky baby bump to remind you that you haven't finished knitting those wool soakers.
Well, with the adoption on hold, new income coming in, Len's approaching graduation,and a phenomenal housing market, we decided to look for houses. We called our friend James and started on our adventure to home ownership.
Phew! This is getting to be a long post. Who knew a year could take up so much typing? :)
:p
That's enough for today, I'll leave you with that cliff hanger- It's Januray 2010- I just got a promotion and the housing market looks likes it ready to rumba . . .
hopefully you won't die from suspense before my next entry!
(ok, there I did it- kept that obnoxious MHwB super chipper tone throughout. Thanks to Lena, XY, and Layna for getting me back to writing.)
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Monday, September 21, 2009
Aaaand . . . Exhale
So, a month later:
On August 21st, Len and I went for our initial interview. It was long and intense, it lived up to expectations. We had to answer all sorts of questions, some about me, some about her, some about us together, some about our moms, some about our cousins, some about our exes, some about our friends. Everything.
This included the interviewer asking about mental health, asking about anxiety issues and then turning to Len "are you anxious? Are you anxious right now? You seem nervous." I love having a wife who said "Yes, I'm nervous, this process is intense." (said with a certain tone of "duh").
I realized that talking about things and people that you miss or even negative things from the past that make you think of things you miss, makes the missing a lot heavier. By the second hour, I was ready to move to Roswell to reconnect with pre-school friends.
After 3 1/2 hours of talking our intake specialist let us in on another step of the process. I'm coming to see that it's not that process is necessarily complicated like everyone says, it's more that when you're going through it, no one ever tells you the step by step. You don't learn the details of the next phase until it's upon you. So you are continually surprised. Which makes things seem convoluted and complicated.
So, back to my narrative. Our interviewer informed us that she was trying to decide wether to present our family for the month of August or wait and present us in September. The timing of this 3 1/3 super intense held in a dimly lit room with a big old one-way glass window, made either month an option.
And what does it mean to present one's family? Well, once a month the agency holds a meeting in which they look at all the new families and select which families will go forward.
If you aren't selected, this is where the whole process ends for you.
And how many families do they select each month? Is each family judged on it's individual merits? No, their not, they are compared to the other families for the month and no matter how many families are presented the agency only chooses to proceed with 2. Yep, 2.
Our interviewer knew that there were at least 12 families for August. We could wait and go with September and hope for a smaller number, but there was no guarantee. The interviewer seemed to be rooting for us, but was clearly intimidated by the 12.
Yeah. So learning that our next step was "ultimate judgment" (the moment at which someone might say "Nope, you are not suitable to parent . . there are a number of these moments in the process) didn't make the interview any less intense.
We left the august/September decision up to her.
She said she would call us on Monday and let us know what she had decided.
(have I mentioned that she's as bad about returning calls as I am?)
On Wednesday I called her.
Surprise! The agency shifted the August meeting and had made their Ultimate Decision on Monday. (OK, maybe the process is a little convoluted all by itself) Our interviewer said she held onto our case the whole meeting, trying to decide whether or not to present us. At the last moment, she went for it. And somehow, magically, of all the families presented for the month, Elena and I were one of the two chosen.
Our next step?
A home visit and another 3 hour interview.
(Which was today. I need to process it a bit -and go to lunch and the office- so I'll write about it soon. Also, I've recently realized how annoying i think blogging is, and how as a writing exercise, this blog wasn't the best tool, but now some of you are invested and reading and it is a good tool for record keeping . . . so those are my new motivations, yeah, I'm sure they'll change shortly.)
On August 21st, Len and I went for our initial interview. It was long and intense, it lived up to expectations. We had to answer all sorts of questions, some about me, some about her, some about us together, some about our moms, some about our cousins, some about our exes, some about our friends. Everything.
This included the interviewer asking about mental health, asking about anxiety issues and then turning to Len "are you anxious? Are you anxious right now? You seem nervous." I love having a wife who said "Yes, I'm nervous, this process is intense." (said with a certain tone of "duh").
I realized that talking about things and people that you miss or even negative things from the past that make you think of things you miss, makes the missing a lot heavier. By the second hour, I was ready to move to Roswell to reconnect with pre-school friends.
After 3 1/2 hours of talking our intake specialist let us in on another step of the process. I'm coming to see that it's not that process is necessarily complicated like everyone says, it's more that when you're going through it, no one ever tells you the step by step. You don't learn the details of the next phase until it's upon you. So you are continually surprised. Which makes things seem convoluted and complicated.
So, back to my narrative. Our interviewer informed us that she was trying to decide wether to present our family for the month of August or wait and present us in September. The timing of this 3 1/3 super intense held in a dimly lit room with a big old one-way glass window, made either month an option.
And what does it mean to present one's family? Well, once a month the agency holds a meeting in which they look at all the new families and select which families will go forward.
If you aren't selected, this is where the whole process ends for you.
And how many families do they select each month? Is each family judged on it's individual merits? No, their not, they are compared to the other families for the month and no matter how many families are presented the agency only chooses to proceed with 2. Yep, 2.
Our interviewer knew that there were at least 12 families for August. We could wait and go with September and hope for a smaller number, but there was no guarantee. The interviewer seemed to be rooting for us, but was clearly intimidated by the 12.
Yeah. So learning that our next step was "ultimate judgment" (the moment at which someone might say "Nope, you are not suitable to parent . . there are a number of these moments in the process) didn't make the interview any less intense.
We left the august/September decision up to her.
She said she would call us on Monday and let us know what she had decided.
(have I mentioned that she's as bad about returning calls as I am?)
On Wednesday I called her.
Surprise! The agency shifted the August meeting and had made their Ultimate Decision on Monday. (OK, maybe the process is a little convoluted all by itself) Our interviewer said she held onto our case the whole meeting, trying to decide whether or not to present us. At the last moment, she went for it. And somehow, magically, of all the families presented for the month, Elena and I were one of the two chosen.
Our next step?
A home visit and another 3 hour interview.
(Which was today. I need to process it a bit -and go to lunch and the office- so I'll write about it soon. Also, I've recently realized how annoying i think blogging is, and how as a writing exercise, this blog wasn't the best tool, but now some of you are invested and reading and it is a good tool for record keeping . . . so those are my new motivations, yeah, I'm sure they'll change shortly.)
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Calm
Friday (two days from today) is our first interview. I'm calm. Mostly, because I don't know what to expect or what will happen.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Crossed Fingers
So, I'm having a hard time not finding lots of frustration in this process.
Even right now, we're at an easy point. Just waiting till our initial interview date. But, I'm stewing over the fact that the interviewer "is having a hard time getting a hold of you." Well, yes, that's what happens when we say "we won't have cell service while we're away, but please call us at xxx-xxx-xxxx" and you proceed to call our cell numbers!!!!!
Really, why is it that when I tell people "There is no cell reception at my mother's house, they refuse to believe it?
All this ranting aside (really, people just blog to get their bad moods out without keeping themselves in check, right? or is that just me? The MHW are so much better about being consistently cheery. Must work on consistent cheer.), we have two big things coming up for our family in the next few weeks. In fact, they are on August 20th and 21st and both are big deals regarding -our-family's-future-
The First: I work for a non-profit that is primarily funded through federal grants. Grant money is running short. The other day, I asked my boss "When is a good time to start panicking about not having a job." My boss is a wonderful man, but sadly he had to reply "Umm, now would be an OK time to start." So, I started to look at jobs, particularly one in Brooklyn. The job is the perfect fit except for the fact that it's not in Phoenix. My wonderfully supportive wife, was ok with the idea of having to move. I resist. I panic about leaving PHX. I freak out about not being able to contribute etc. etc. I put off applying. Then I get a phone call inviting me to do something pretty amazing here in AZ. It's not a job offer, but it's awesome. I'm not willing to jinx myself yet, so no details. But I'm really excited.
Yes, all that build up to not tell what it is.
The Second:
August 21st is our initial interview. Here's hoping I don't come off as a baby eater.
Even right now, we're at an easy point. Just waiting till our initial interview date. But, I'm stewing over the fact that the interviewer "is having a hard time getting a hold of you." Well, yes, that's what happens when we say "we won't have cell service while we're away, but please call us at xxx-xxx-xxxx" and you proceed to call our cell numbers!!!!!
Really, why is it that when I tell people "There is no cell reception at my mother's house, they refuse to believe it?
All this ranting aside (really, people just blog to get their bad moods out without keeping themselves in check, right? or is that just me? The MHW are so much better about being consistently cheery. Must work on consistent cheer.), we have two big things coming up for our family in the next few weeks. In fact, they are on August 20th and 21st and both are big deals regarding -our-family's-future-
The First: I work for a non-profit that is primarily funded through federal grants. Grant money is running short. The other day, I asked my boss "When is a good time to start panicking about not having a job." My boss is a wonderful man, but sadly he had to reply "Umm, now would be an OK time to start." So, I started to look at jobs, particularly one in Brooklyn. The job is the perfect fit except for the fact that it's not in Phoenix. My wonderfully supportive wife, was ok with the idea of having to move. I resist. I panic about leaving PHX. I freak out about not being able to contribute etc. etc. I put off applying. Then I get a phone call inviting me to do something pretty amazing here in AZ. It's not a job offer, but it's awesome. I'm not willing to jinx myself yet, so no details. But I'm really excited.
Yes, all that build up to not tell what it is.
The Second:
August 21st is our initial interview. Here's hoping I don't come off as a baby eater.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Frustration and Confusion Commence
We've sent in the pre-intake packet. Today we schedule our first (3 hour) interview. I'm a little wound up about the whole thing (not surprised, are you?). Most of my tension is just the weight of becoming a parent, but a little part of it is anxiety over the issues already popping up.
Upon reviewing our packet two major questions came up for the agency:
1- Do we understand that writing "any age" means that we would except a placement from hours old to 18?
2- Which program(s) are we interested in; foster, fost/adopt, adoption?
To address the fist question- YES. We get it and yes we'd be ok with an 18 year old. I know crazy, right? Actually wanting to house, care for, and love an older teenager. How dare we? (Do other people write: We would like a child who is 8 years, 7 months, and 16 days old please.)
And yes, I know that the needs of an infant and the needs of a teen are very different. I also know that we have lots of support and resources and willingness to figure out what our children need.
My reply (thank gd Len was the one actually on the phone giving a more polite response) "Well, you have three programs and gave us two options. And you're surprised the answer is unclear?" The form looked like this:
Which program are you interested in? ______Foster Care ________Adoption
Being most interested in the program that combines the two, we checked both.
This made sense to us, what's your problem?
I know it's really bad karma to put any negative energy toward this fist major interaction with the agency, but dear lord above!
Taking lots of deep breaths, thinking about our upcoming vacation, and knowing that things go the way they are meant to.
Upon reviewing our packet two major questions came up for the agency:
1- Do we understand that writing "any age" means that we would except a placement from hours old to 18?
2- Which program(s) are we interested in; foster, fost/adopt, adoption?
To address the fist question- YES. We get it and yes we'd be ok with an 18 year old. I know crazy, right? Actually wanting to house, care for, and love an older teenager. How dare we? (Do other people write: We would like a child who is 8 years, 7 months, and 16 days old please.)
And yes, I know that the needs of an infant and the needs of a teen are very different. I also know that we have lots of support and resources and willingness to figure out what our children need.
My reply (thank gd Len was the one actually on the phone giving a more polite response) "Well, you have three programs and gave us two options. And you're surprised the answer is unclear?" The form looked like this:
Which program are you interested in? ______Foster Care ________Adoption
Being most interested in the program that combines the two, we checked both.
This made sense to us, what's your problem?
I know it's really bad karma to put any negative energy toward this fist major interaction with the agency, but dear lord above!
Taking lots of deep breaths, thinking about our upcoming vacation, and knowing that things go the way they are meant to.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
What age?
Nearly a week later and we are about half way through the 9 page, double sided application, excuse me, I meant “Pre-Intake Packet.” Yes, still procrastinating, but now it’s less out of fear and more from over excitement. Every time I think about it I get all excited and jittery and have to get up and do something else. We are actually going to do this! We have the will and the space and the love and it will happen.
Clearly, I’m feeling very optimistic today. This weekend we had a chance to see a handful of our nieces and nephews. It was wonderful, it always is. It reminded me that we can do this. Parenthood isn’t some great mystery that I am too stupid, queer, or broke to figure out. I know it takes a lot more than love and hubris, but I think we’ll figure it out and I know we have some excellent role models.
I’ve come up with an answer to the intimidating “What is the age range of children you are interested in fostering or adopting? This question appears on the “Child Desired” page, amid what ethnicities and what gender. I think we are going to write “any age” in the space provided.
We have talked a lot about the fact that, just like with bio parenting, whatever children find us will be the children that needs us. I’ve always wanted to adopt an older child. That’s where the greatest need is, I like older kids (I like little kids too, but . . . ), and that’s the image of parenting I’ve always had. Other girls dream about the baby bulge and morning sickness, I think about growth spurts and oppositional defiant disorder. I assume at some point we will have a small child, but I don’t know if that’s how we’ll start.
But, and here’s where my doubt and fear comes in, will an older child feel comfortable in a vegetarian, queer, no TV house? Will it be too much for a pre-teen to adjust to? I think it’s easier to be the child of a gay house if it’s always been that way and you’ve never expected anything else. Of course, that comes from my own experience and lack of social awareness that extended well into my teens.
I don’t have to worry about those questions! Those are things that will get sorted out between Len, the case worker, the kid (s), and me. What I have to do now is finish up this 9-page double sided pre-intake packet.
Clearly, I’m feeling very optimistic today. This weekend we had a chance to see a handful of our nieces and nephews. It was wonderful, it always is. It reminded me that we can do this. Parenthood isn’t some great mystery that I am too stupid, queer, or broke to figure out. I know it takes a lot more than love and hubris, but I think we’ll figure it out and I know we have some excellent role models.
I’ve come up with an answer to the intimidating “What is the age range of children you are interested in fostering or adopting? This question appears on the “Child Desired” page, amid what ethnicities and what gender. I think we are going to write “any age” in the space provided.
We have talked a lot about the fact that, just like with bio parenting, whatever children find us will be the children that needs us. I’ve always wanted to adopt an older child. That’s where the greatest need is, I like older kids (I like little kids too, but . . . ), and that’s the image of parenting I’ve always had. Other girls dream about the baby bulge and morning sickness, I think about growth spurts and oppositional defiant disorder. I assume at some point we will have a small child, but I don’t know if that’s how we’ll start.
But, and here’s where my doubt and fear comes in, will an older child feel comfortable in a vegetarian, queer, no TV house? Will it be too much for a pre-teen to adjust to? I think it’s easier to be the child of a gay house if it’s always been that way and you’ve never expected anything else. Of course, that comes from my own experience and lack of social awareness that extended well into my teens.
I don’t have to worry about those questions! Those are things that will get sorted out between Len, the case worker, the kid (s), and me. What I have to do now is finish up this 9-page double sided pre-intake packet.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
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