So, a month later:
On August 21st, Len and I went for our initial interview. It was long and intense, it lived up to expectations. We had to answer all sorts of questions, some about me, some about her, some about us together, some about our moms, some about our cousins, some about our exes, some about our friends. Everything.
This included the interviewer asking about mental health, asking about anxiety issues and then turning to Len "are you anxious? Are you anxious right now? You seem nervous." I love having a wife who said "Yes, I'm nervous, this process is intense." (said with a certain tone of "duh").
I realized that talking about things and people that you miss or even negative things from the past that make you think of things you miss, makes the missing a lot heavier. By the second hour, I was ready to move to Roswell to reconnect with pre-school friends.
After 3 1/2 hours of talking our intake specialist let us in on another step of the process. I'm coming to see that it's not that process is necessarily complicated like everyone says, it's more that when you're going through it, no one ever tells you the step by step. You don't learn the details of the next phase until it's upon you. So you are continually surprised. Which makes things seem convoluted and complicated.
So, back to my narrative. Our interviewer informed us that she was trying to decide wether to present our family for the month of August or wait and present us in September. The timing of this 3 1/3 super intense held in a dimly lit room with a big old one-way glass window, made either month an option.
And what does it mean to present one's family? Well, once a month the agency holds a meeting in which they look at all the new families and select which families will go forward.
If you aren't selected, this is where the whole process ends for you.
And how many families do they select each month? Is each family judged on it's individual merits? No, their not, they are compared to the other families for the month and no matter how many families are presented the agency only chooses to proceed with 2. Yep, 2.
Our interviewer knew that there were at least 12 families for August. We could wait and go with September and hope for a smaller number, but there was no guarantee. The interviewer seemed to be rooting for us, but was clearly intimidated by the 12.
Yeah. So learning that our next step was "ultimate judgment" (the moment at which someone might say "Nope, you are not suitable to parent . . there are a number of these moments in the process) didn't make the interview any less intense.
We left the august/September decision up to her.
She said she would call us on Monday and let us know what she had decided.
(have I mentioned that she's as bad about returning calls as I am?)
On Wednesday I called her.
Surprise! The agency shifted the August meeting and had made their Ultimate Decision on Monday. (OK, maybe the process is a little convoluted all by itself) Our interviewer said she held onto our case the whole meeting, trying to decide whether or not to present us. At the last moment, she went for it. And somehow, magically, of all the families presented for the month, Elena and I were one of the two chosen.
Our next step?
A home visit and another 3 hour interview.
(Which was today. I need to process it a bit -and go to lunch and the office- so I'll write about it soon. Also, I've recently realized how annoying i think blogging is, and how as a writing exercise, this blog wasn't the best tool, but now some of you are invested and reading and it is a good tool for record keeping . . . so those are my new motivations, yeah, I'm sure they'll change shortly.)
Monday, September 21, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Calm
Friday (two days from today) is our first interview. I'm calm. Mostly, because I don't know what to expect or what will happen.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Crossed Fingers
So, I'm having a hard time not finding lots of frustration in this process.
Even right now, we're at an easy point. Just waiting till our initial interview date. But, I'm stewing over the fact that the interviewer "is having a hard time getting a hold of you." Well, yes, that's what happens when we say "we won't have cell service while we're away, but please call us at xxx-xxx-xxxx" and you proceed to call our cell numbers!!!!!
Really, why is it that when I tell people "There is no cell reception at my mother's house, they refuse to believe it?
All this ranting aside (really, people just blog to get their bad moods out without keeping themselves in check, right? or is that just me? The MHW are so much better about being consistently cheery. Must work on consistent cheer.), we have two big things coming up for our family in the next few weeks. In fact, they are on August 20th and 21st and both are big deals regarding -our-family's-future-
The First: I work for a non-profit that is primarily funded through federal grants. Grant money is running short. The other day, I asked my boss "When is a good time to start panicking about not having a job." My boss is a wonderful man, but sadly he had to reply "Umm, now would be an OK time to start." So, I started to look at jobs, particularly one in Brooklyn. The job is the perfect fit except for the fact that it's not in Phoenix. My wonderfully supportive wife, was ok with the idea of having to move. I resist. I panic about leaving PHX. I freak out about not being able to contribute etc. etc. I put off applying. Then I get a phone call inviting me to do something pretty amazing here in AZ. It's not a job offer, but it's awesome. I'm not willing to jinx myself yet, so no details. But I'm really excited.
Yes, all that build up to not tell what it is.
The Second:
August 21st is our initial interview. Here's hoping I don't come off as a baby eater.
Even right now, we're at an easy point. Just waiting till our initial interview date. But, I'm stewing over the fact that the interviewer "is having a hard time getting a hold of you." Well, yes, that's what happens when we say "we won't have cell service while we're away, but please call us at xxx-xxx-xxxx" and you proceed to call our cell numbers!!!!!
Really, why is it that when I tell people "There is no cell reception at my mother's house, they refuse to believe it?
All this ranting aside (really, people just blog to get their bad moods out without keeping themselves in check, right? or is that just me? The MHW are so much better about being consistently cheery. Must work on consistent cheer.), we have two big things coming up for our family in the next few weeks. In fact, they are on August 20th and 21st and both are big deals regarding -our-family's-future-
The First: I work for a non-profit that is primarily funded through federal grants. Grant money is running short. The other day, I asked my boss "When is a good time to start panicking about not having a job." My boss is a wonderful man, but sadly he had to reply "Umm, now would be an OK time to start." So, I started to look at jobs, particularly one in Brooklyn. The job is the perfect fit except for the fact that it's not in Phoenix. My wonderfully supportive wife, was ok with the idea of having to move. I resist. I panic about leaving PHX. I freak out about not being able to contribute etc. etc. I put off applying. Then I get a phone call inviting me to do something pretty amazing here in AZ. It's not a job offer, but it's awesome. I'm not willing to jinx myself yet, so no details. But I'm really excited.
Yes, all that build up to not tell what it is.
The Second:
August 21st is our initial interview. Here's hoping I don't come off as a baby eater.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Frustration and Confusion Commence
We've sent in the pre-intake packet. Today we schedule our first (3 hour) interview. I'm a little wound up about the whole thing (not surprised, are you?). Most of my tension is just the weight of becoming a parent, but a little part of it is anxiety over the issues already popping up.
Upon reviewing our packet two major questions came up for the agency:
1- Do we understand that writing "any age" means that we would except a placement from hours old to 18?
2- Which program(s) are we interested in; foster, fost/adopt, adoption?
To address the fist question- YES. We get it and yes we'd be ok with an 18 year old. I know crazy, right? Actually wanting to house, care for, and love an older teenager. How dare we? (Do other people write: We would like a child who is 8 years, 7 months, and 16 days old please.)
And yes, I know that the needs of an infant and the needs of a teen are very different. I also know that we have lots of support and resources and willingness to figure out what our children need.
My reply (thank gd Len was the one actually on the phone giving a more polite response) "Well, you have three programs and gave us two options. And you're surprised the answer is unclear?" The form looked like this:
Which program are you interested in? ______Foster Care ________Adoption
Being most interested in the program that combines the two, we checked both.
This made sense to us, what's your problem?
I know it's really bad karma to put any negative energy toward this fist major interaction with the agency, but dear lord above!
Taking lots of deep breaths, thinking about our upcoming vacation, and knowing that things go the way they are meant to.
Upon reviewing our packet two major questions came up for the agency:
1- Do we understand that writing "any age" means that we would except a placement from hours old to 18?
2- Which program(s) are we interested in; foster, fost/adopt, adoption?
To address the fist question- YES. We get it and yes we'd be ok with an 18 year old. I know crazy, right? Actually wanting to house, care for, and love an older teenager. How dare we? (Do other people write: We would like a child who is 8 years, 7 months, and 16 days old please.)
And yes, I know that the needs of an infant and the needs of a teen are very different. I also know that we have lots of support and resources and willingness to figure out what our children need.
My reply (thank gd Len was the one actually on the phone giving a more polite response) "Well, you have three programs and gave us two options. And you're surprised the answer is unclear?" The form looked like this:
Which program are you interested in? ______Foster Care ________Adoption
Being most interested in the program that combines the two, we checked both.
This made sense to us, what's your problem?
I know it's really bad karma to put any negative energy toward this fist major interaction with the agency, but dear lord above!
Taking lots of deep breaths, thinking about our upcoming vacation, and knowing that things go the way they are meant to.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
What age?
Nearly a week later and we are about half way through the 9 page, double sided application, excuse me, I meant “Pre-Intake Packet.” Yes, still procrastinating, but now it’s less out of fear and more from over excitement. Every time I think about it I get all excited and jittery and have to get up and do something else. We are actually going to do this! We have the will and the space and the love and it will happen.
Clearly, I’m feeling very optimistic today. This weekend we had a chance to see a handful of our nieces and nephews. It was wonderful, it always is. It reminded me that we can do this. Parenthood isn’t some great mystery that I am too stupid, queer, or broke to figure out. I know it takes a lot more than love and hubris, but I think we’ll figure it out and I know we have some excellent role models.
I’ve come up with an answer to the intimidating “What is the age range of children you are interested in fostering or adopting? This question appears on the “Child Desired” page, amid what ethnicities and what gender. I think we are going to write “any age” in the space provided.
We have talked a lot about the fact that, just like with bio parenting, whatever children find us will be the children that needs us. I’ve always wanted to adopt an older child. That’s where the greatest need is, I like older kids (I like little kids too, but . . . ), and that’s the image of parenting I’ve always had. Other girls dream about the baby bulge and morning sickness, I think about growth spurts and oppositional defiant disorder. I assume at some point we will have a small child, but I don’t know if that’s how we’ll start.
But, and here’s where my doubt and fear comes in, will an older child feel comfortable in a vegetarian, queer, no TV house? Will it be too much for a pre-teen to adjust to? I think it’s easier to be the child of a gay house if it’s always been that way and you’ve never expected anything else. Of course, that comes from my own experience and lack of social awareness that extended well into my teens.
I don’t have to worry about those questions! Those are things that will get sorted out between Len, the case worker, the kid (s), and me. What I have to do now is finish up this 9-page double sided pre-intake packet.
Clearly, I’m feeling very optimistic today. This weekend we had a chance to see a handful of our nieces and nephews. It was wonderful, it always is. It reminded me that we can do this. Parenthood isn’t some great mystery that I am too stupid, queer, or broke to figure out. I know it takes a lot more than love and hubris, but I think we’ll figure it out and I know we have some excellent role models.
I’ve come up with an answer to the intimidating “What is the age range of children you are interested in fostering or adopting? This question appears on the “Child Desired” page, amid what ethnicities and what gender. I think we are going to write “any age” in the space provided.
We have talked a lot about the fact that, just like with bio parenting, whatever children find us will be the children that needs us. I’ve always wanted to adopt an older child. That’s where the greatest need is, I like older kids (I like little kids too, but . . . ), and that’s the image of parenting I’ve always had. Other girls dream about the baby bulge and morning sickness, I think about growth spurts and oppositional defiant disorder. I assume at some point we will have a small child, but I don’t know if that’s how we’ll start.
But, and here’s where my doubt and fear comes in, will an older child feel comfortable in a vegetarian, queer, no TV house? Will it be too much for a pre-teen to adjust to? I think it’s easier to be the child of a gay house if it’s always been that way and you’ve never expected anything else. Of course, that comes from my own experience and lack of social awareness that extended well into my teens.
I don’t have to worry about those questions! Those are things that will get sorted out between Len, the case worker, the kid (s), and me. What I have to do now is finish up this 9-page double sided pre-intake packet.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
July 16th, 2008
We attend agency orientation at a firehouse in Apache Junction. Same representative from social service provider meeting facilitates. (Which he does not normally do.) At one point he talks about the struggles he has had with one of his adopted sons. We both carry that story and talk about the nature of true parenting.
Spring 2008
Katie attends a social service coalition in which a representative from the agency gives a brief presentation.
Painting our Family Tree
Last night, weeks after painting the stark white trunk and branches, I finally began adding warm brown details onto the Aspen tree in southeast corner of our bedroom. It was wonderful to watch the tree begin to take life. It was only due to my responsible and loving wife that I managed to put down the paint and go to sleep. I could have spent the night adding lines and details. I had forgotten how much I love working with tiny brushes on large canvasses.
We originally put the tree on the wall to combat the homesickness we each feel from time to time. I know that as a married couple, we are supposed to be thrilled with where we currently are and constantly refer to it as "our home." We are thrilled with Az. We truly love the city (cities to be honest) we live in, but neither of us have been released from the hold of the natural beauty surrounding our childhood homes.
So, when the aspen is complete, we will be adding a maple tree to the west wall.
The arms and fingers of the tree had me thinking of "Rock-a-bye baby in the the treetops" and the todlers asleep in makeshift hammocks in Nic. I thougth about painting a room for a child (and about never, never leaving a baby asleep unattended in a treetop). Yes, we will be those Waldork parents who make sure their childs' room is properly and softly lazured, but I also hope we will allow our children to interact with their space and build there own castle. My mind continued to how one creates a room that a young teenager can claim as home without feeling the need to add posters and christmas lights.
This week we have to fill out our formal "pre-intake packet" with the agency. We have to do it this week so that the orientation we attended last year is still valid. I've had the packet for two weeks, Len has looked through it. I haven't yet.
Yes, I'm procrastinating. It's purely out of fear. Have you ever filled out a job, college, passport application? It's terrifiying. Could my bad handwritting and dyslexia make some reviewer cringe and decide I'm not fit to parent? What if I get the answers wrong? Which of us is applicant A, which is applicant B?
It feels like the first test in the process and I know the process will be full of tests and emotional turbulence. Those of you who helped me through the adoption of Grumio (my chihuahua) know that I do not do well with "choosing" the one . . . haha, I think at times in my life that could be said for ALOT of things . . .
That said, bio families don't have to write down what age, gender, ethnicty their ideal child would be. I'm afraid that if we answer with "any" a reviewer won't take us seriously. They won't understand that we know don't want to limit the child that needs us from finding our home.
I almost envy a certain family member for his lack of "accidentially" producing children. Nobody gave him a test to fill out beforehand.
Maybe I just need to think of this packet as some form of procreation! It's like the "magical night of conception." Or maybe that was the orientation last summer? It's was nighttime, it was hot (we live in the desert, it's always hot), and it was at a fire station.
That counts as a steamy story!
Right?
*this post was an attempt to mimic the overly emotional and simpering tone of nostalgic and reflective entries seen in a typical MHwB. The "build there own castle" makes me want to gag. I made a point to end on an ill-fitting up note. The only thing I didn't mention was our prayers for a child. They're there, I just didn't feeling like disclosing them . . . I'll have to work on that.
We originally put the tree on the wall to combat the homesickness we each feel from time to time. I know that as a married couple, we are supposed to be thrilled with where we currently are and constantly refer to it as "our home." We are thrilled with Az. We truly love the city (cities to be honest) we live in, but neither of us have been released from the hold of the natural beauty surrounding our childhood homes.
So, when the aspen is complete, we will be adding a maple tree to the west wall.
The arms and fingers of the tree had me thinking of "Rock-a-bye baby in the the treetops" and the todlers asleep in makeshift hammocks in Nic. I thougth about painting a room for a child (and about never, never leaving a baby asleep unattended in a treetop). Yes, we will be those Waldork parents who make sure their childs' room is properly and softly lazured, but I also hope we will allow our children to interact with their space and build there own castle. My mind continued to how one creates a room that a young teenager can claim as home without feeling the need to add posters and christmas lights.
***
My teenage bedroom was covered in Christmas lights and posters and the random doodles and notes from friends (thanks for letting me write on my walls, mom). I don't know how our landlord would feel about that.***
So many things to think about. This week we have to fill out our formal "pre-intake packet" with the agency. We have to do it this week so that the orientation we attended last year is still valid. I've had the packet for two weeks, Len has looked through it. I haven't yet.
Yes, I'm procrastinating. It's purely out of fear. Have you ever filled out a job, college, passport application? It's terrifiying. Could my bad handwritting and dyslexia make some reviewer cringe and decide I'm not fit to parent? What if I get the answers wrong? Which of us is applicant A, which is applicant B?
It feels like the first test in the process and I know the process will be full of tests and emotional turbulence. Those of you who helped me through the adoption of Grumio (my chihuahua) know that I do not do well with "choosing" the one . . . haha, I think at times in my life that could be said for ALOT of things . . .
That said, bio families don't have to write down what age, gender, ethnicty their ideal child would be. I'm afraid that if we answer with "any" a reviewer won't take us seriously. They won't understand that we know don't want to limit the child that needs us from finding our home.
I almost envy a certain family member for his lack of "accidentially" producing children. Nobody gave him a test to fill out beforehand.
Maybe I just need to think of this packet as some form of procreation! It's like the "magical night of conception." Or maybe that was the orientation last summer? It's was nighttime, it was hot (we live in the desert, it's always hot), and it was at a fire station.
That counts as a steamy story!
Right?
*this post was an attempt to mimic the overly emotional and simpering tone of nostalgic and reflective entries seen in a typical MHwB. The "build there own castle" makes me want to gag. I made a point to end on an ill-fitting up note. The only thing I didn't mention was our prayers for a child. They're there, I just didn't feeling like disclosing them . . . I'll have to work on that.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
This blog.
I would like this blog to follow the formula of the MHwB (Mormon Housewife Blog), as close as possible. These women seem to find great comfort in their blogs and be fulfilled by the writing of them, so I will aim for the same.
I've already broken one rule- my first blog wasn't titled "Welcome!!!" or "Our First Entry!!" or "Welcome Home ______!" (with the _____ being the name of family's first child). The entry didn't outline who we are or how happy we are to have you reading our blog. I may write that entry someday. I tend to worry about rules I've broken, I always have to go back and do them right.
I will try to stay on track with the other tenants:
(SHIT! Forgot to have kids!)
(AH! NO SWEARING! ugh . . . already, this isn't going well.)
I've already broken one rule- my first blog wasn't titled "Welcome!!!" or "Our First Entry!!" or "Welcome Home ______!" (with the _____ being the name of family's first child). The entry didn't outline who we are or how happy we are to have you reading our blog. I may write that entry someday. I tend to worry about rules I've broken, I always have to go back and do them right.
I will try to stay on track with the other tenants:
- Have you noticed the creepy "We" speak I've been using? It seems to be essential for a good MHwB to arbitrarily go back and forth between the "we" and "our" of the couple's voice, the "we" and "our" of the bigger family(not that big, "family" is still just the people who physically live in the house and are either married or derivatives of said marriage), and the "I" of the Mormon Housewife herself.
- I have posted a picture of our wedding day, being affectionate, but not two affectionate, and showing off that the bride (in our case plural) made an effort to maintain modesty in the selection of our wedding gowns. I think this picture is also to prove that their is another adult in the family and the adults are actually married. Oh yes, AND that they are delighted to be married to one another. All of this is true for us, 10 points!
- Use exclamation points when praising any member of the family including oneself. Got that one down!
- When children arrive, post their pictures individually in the side bar. List their names and ages. If they happen to die, list deceased child as "Our Angel Baby" or "Our Angel Son" list their age as if they have not passed.
- Make a list of links of your friends MHWBs. These should be close friends that you go to church with. (This one is going to be a tough one for us, the only other UU families we know are . . . I'll find something that fits the bill).
- Update the blog weekly at least.
- Make big announcements on the blog like "We're moving!" and "He's Getting his Liver Removed!" Reserve title "Big Announcement" for entries proclaiming your latest pregnancy.
- Frequently use onomatopoeic words and (what I think of as) comic book sounds. "Ack!" " Zoom!" and "Cuckoo" are all good options.
- Mention your religious beliefs in a box on the side bar.
- Use pictures in almost every post. (Oh no! This one will be a real challenge. No reliable camera to transfer current pictures to computer. Do cellphone pictures count?)
- Consider basic grammatic rules a suggestion develop one's own style, consisting primarily of inconsistent narrator and subject verb disagreement. Punctuation is too be used as timing cues for those who will read your blog out loud. Pronouns and nouns need not agree. And homonyms are completely interchangable.
- Every few months write a deep personal disclosure entry. Something titled along the lines of "I'm Feeling Lonely Today" or "Thinking" should do the trick.
(SHIT! Forgot to have kids!)
(AH! NO SWEARING! ugh . . . already, this isn't going well.)
Why I'm here.
For the past year and half or so, I've been fascinated by what I've come to think of as "The Mormon Housewife Blogosphere." (This is to say nothing derogatory of Mormons, it is only that my path to discovering housewife blogs began with a Mormon family and therefore the linked blogs I read are always also of the LDS religious persuasion.)
Distracting myself from work, I hop onto the blog of a former coworker's sister, get updates on her family and kids, learn about the renewal of her faith brought in the form of a digital scrap booking class she taught at her church, her children's new vocabulary, and her husband's new schedule in medical school. No, I've never met this family. I never even really got along with the former coworker. But this one mommy blog has change my life. OK, not really, but I have put a significant amount of time into reading and analyzing it.
About a month after reading this first Mormon housewife blog, I discovered a list of links on the sidebar titled "Our Friends." This opened a whole new world of vicarious domestic bliss.
Yes, I think I read these blogs because I am jealous and wish Len or I could be a stay at home mom. Yes, I do think derisive thoughts about these families and their willingness to post things like "Potty training mishaps! :) !!!" and "Why I Love My Women's Group." But, I also really respect something about these women. I think it has to do with their love and devotion to their families, their husbands, and god. I think that atypical families have the same devotions, but our blogs are all about cloth diapering and upcycle crafting. The Mormon housewives have discovered a way to make the blogosphere their bitch. Each cheery, cuss-less, exclamation-pointed entry shouts "I am the matriarch. I know this family. I protect this family," from women who appear to live without feminism.
Lately a few entries have popped up in the Mormon Housewife Blogosphere about "neo-feminism," "christian-feminism," and "house-wife feminism." I think these women know what power they have and they are using it how they choose to.
In honor of them, I start my own version of a Mormon Housewife Blog.
Distracting myself from work, I hop onto the blog of a former coworker's sister, get updates on her family and kids, learn about the renewal of her faith brought in the form of a digital scrap booking class she taught at her church, her children's new vocabulary, and her husband's new schedule in medical school. No, I've never met this family. I never even really got along with the former coworker. But this one mommy blog has change my life. OK, not really, but I have put a significant amount of time into reading and analyzing it.
About a month after reading this first Mormon housewife blog, I discovered a list of links on the sidebar titled "Our Friends." This opened a whole new world of vicarious domestic bliss.
Yes, I think I read these blogs because I am jealous and wish Len or I could be a stay at home mom. Yes, I do think derisive thoughts about these families and their willingness to post things like "Potty training mishaps! :) !!!" and "Why I Love My Women's Group." But, I also really respect something about these women. I think it has to do with their love and devotion to their families, their husbands, and god. I think that atypical families have the same devotions, but our blogs are all about cloth diapering and upcycle crafting. The Mormon housewives have discovered a way to make the blogosphere their bitch. Each cheery, cuss-less, exclamation-pointed entry shouts "I am the matriarch. I know this family. I protect this family," from women who appear to live without feminism.
Lately a few entries have popped up in the Mormon Housewife Blogosphere about "neo-feminism," "christian-feminism," and "house-wife feminism." I think these women know what power they have and they are using it how they choose to.
In honor of them, I start my own version of a Mormon Housewife Blog.
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